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Chase me, ladies, I'm in the cavalry
Thursday, November 30, 2006
 
KILLER FACT!
The Lunacy Act of 1890 gave mental hospitals the power to detain "lunatics, idiots and persons of unsound mind". The Mental Deficiency Act 1913 increased these powers, establishing a Board of Control to monitor asylums.

How do you go about getting someone sectioned these days? If I gave them an anonymous tip-off that my father was a fruitcake, do you think they’d send a van? Or would I have to provide video evidence of him roaring and throwing potatoes at the neighbours?

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Saturday, November 25, 2006
 
IDIOTS!
"Two more attempts to regain contact with NASA's Mars Global Surveyor spacecraft failed this week."
Ha ha. Stupid Americans can’t even send a spaceship to Mars without fucking it up.

It’s hardly rocket science.

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Thursday, November 23, 2006
 
FOOTBALLER, OF ALL PEOPLE, CHARGED WITH ASSAULT
A sad day for sport. The ugly spectre of violence has erupted into football's hushed cloisters:
"West Ham defender Anton Ferdinand has been charged with assault and violent disorder."
Nothing could be more alien to the spirit of this wonderful game than a sordid punch-up in a nightclub, but once again a tiny majority of vicious psycopaths is letting everyone down. There must be literally tens of football players who aren’t drunken thugs and wife-beaters.

It is time for them to speak out. Because if this is how the players behave then before you know it West Ham fans might also become violent and disorderly.


Has football lost its innocence?

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Tuesday, November 21, 2006
 
KILLER FACT!
Parmesan cheese accounts for 10 per cent of thefts from Italian shops —more than any other good.

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Thursday, November 16, 2006
 
'GREATEST LIVING ECONOMIST' NOW 28th GREATEST DEAD ONE
Milton Friedman has been killed by stingray, following a titanic underwater struggle.

"Milton was one of the great thinkers and economists of the 20th century," said Arnold Schwarzenegger, whose films include Conan the Destroyer and Twins.

Should we let the invisible hand caress our organ of government, as Friedman argued, or should we reintroduce the Golden Age of Steam? What do you think?

Allow invisible hand to caress organ of government
Re-introduce Golden Age of Steam
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com


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Wednesday, November 15, 2006
 
QUEEN RECALLS PARLIAMENT
I can recall parliament, too. It’s that large neo-gothic building full of freaks, next to the river. I just wish I could recall why I bought this porcelain badger on eBay. A fat fucking lot of good that did me.





And speaking of no use at all, John Reid says that "security in a fast-changing world" will be the central theme of the Queen's Speech. "Mr Reid said security from the front room to the global level will be addressed in the next parliamentary session."

I really feel sorry for the Queen, having to read this hogwash.

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Monday, November 13, 2006
 
DOWNFALL OF AN EVIL GENIUS
A Wisconsin master criminal has been arrested for passing a fake $20 bill. Eagle-eyed sales clerk Teresa Wells first suspected skulduggery when she noticed it was made of photocopier paper, and was blank on one side. Apart from that, it was indistinguishable from the real thing.

In Wisconsin, this person is known as The Phantom.



(Via fark.com)

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Friday, November 10, 2006
 
ARMY BOXER, 67, BEATS THIEVES
How is it that every old man who gets mugged these days turns out to be a former boxing champion, or martial arts instructor for the SAS? It’s starting to get on my nerves. Just once I would like to read that a gang of youths set upon an old man who wasn’t a kung fu champion, gave him a good beating, then ran off with his stuff.
An 87-year-old former British karate champion got a nasty surprise Thursday, when he tried to take on a gang of fit young men who attacked him near his home.

"He picked on the wrong muggers,” said gang-leader Terry Scrote (19). “His geriatric martial arts skills were no match for our baseball bats, and he got a real pasting.”

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From Hot Chicks With Douchebags.com:



Amazing, isn’t it? I mean, how does someone this twerpish-looking get women like that?

That’s not a criticism, by the way. It’s a serious question. I genuinely want to know how. He could scarcely look more foolish if he wore a pair of moose antlers. What can he possibly have said to them?








(Via Abandon all fear)

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Thursday, November 09, 2006
 
THE ANDREW SULLIVAN HOAX
I had a traditional upbringing by neo-Nazi Scottish crofters in the slums of Rio de Janeiro. While I often disagree with whatever Andrew Sullivan is saying –indeed, the opposite is usually the case- I have tremendous admiration for his courage, honesty, clarity of vision, etc. However, his ‘emails of the day’ are obvious hoaxes:
8.11.06- I'm a 29 year old, lifelong conservative Republican, and Roman Catholic from Pennsylvania. I'm not sure I agree with you 100% on everything, but I appreciate your intellectual honesty...

7.11.06- I was raised in an Irish-Catholic New Deal family... I appreciate your clarity, honesty and dedication to humane values...

2.11.06- I am an upper middle class, stay at home wife and mother of 2. All my life, I have believed in working hard, paying our own way and voting Republican ... but I just don't see how I can at this point in time. Watching you on CNN was a great relief...

30.10.06- I have lived my entire life in the south... You have broken the mold of what I consider to be a conservative and have helped me realize that there is hope to once again unite this country.

28.10.06- I am a proud Liberal and as such, you and I don't agree on some points. However, my observations of you are that above being a Traditional Conservative you are first a Realist and I have a tremendous amount of respect for that.

15.10.06- I grew up in a small town, raised conservative Christian by conservative and amazing parents, turned out gay... Although i don't always agree with you, I always find your opinions insightful.

13.10.06- My entire family is reading your book together, we're giving each other until Thanksgiving when we can all get together and talk about it.
I’ve been around a bit, seen a few things, but I have honestly never met anyone who talks like this. The guy who appreciates Sullivan’s dedication to humane values actually said that Sullivan and his blog have given him a sense that there is a light at the end of this tunnel of political darkness.

I simply do not believe that Andrew Sullivan and his blog have given this man a sense that there is light at the end of this tunnel of political darkness. Nor do I necessarily believe that Sullivan writes them all himself, though it is clear they are all the work of a sole lunatic.

Who he is, or what drives him (other than his own madness) I don’t know. It’s a pretty dull mystery, as mysteries go.

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Tuesday, November 07, 2006
 
DEMOCRATS HAVE 49 POINT LEAD, SAY POLES
Atrios has published some posts on his blog just days before the congressional elections. You have to admit, the timing is suspicious.

The Democrats have a 49 point lead, according to the Poles. But what the hell do the Poles know about it? And why are they always poking their noses in?

There are now more than a million Poles in the UK, according to my evil old father. I really like them, though I don’t much care for him. As far as I’m concerned, they are welcome. Where I draw the line is a Turk.

Anyway, so this guy walks down the street with a long stick. Someone says, “Are you a pole vaulter?”

“No, I’m a German. How did you know my name was Valter?”

Ba doom, ba doom, tish!



UPDATE! When I said the Democrats have a 49 point lead, I was obviously referring to their lead over the Welsh Nationalists. Their lead over the Republicans is less solid, more like 13%.

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Monday, November 06, 2006
 
"DEFIANT TO THE END, SADDAM SHOUTS AT JUDGE"



That guy's got serious issues, always yelling and angry. He needs to learn to control his temper, before it gets him into trouble.

He could learn a lot from my father's friend Derek. When he was suffering from stress, he didn't shout at judges, or order massacres. You know what Derek did? He would take the phone of the hook for five minutes and walk around his office, juggling fruit. He made millions.

But are they right to hang Saddam Hussein, of previous good character, for a first offence? Will the death penalty deter other people from committing genocide? It will be egg on face time if they string him up, then it turns out they got the wrong guy.

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Sunday, November 05, 2006
 
REPORTER DROWNED LIKE CAT


Is it acceptable to waterboard the Fox News reporters who threaten our way of life? Many would argue, yes, drown them like mangy cats. They don't respect the Geneva Conventions, so why should we?

Others would say that this only makes us as bad as them. If in fighting Fox News reporters we become Fox News reporters ourselves, then the Fox News reporters have won, type of thing.

Maybe they thought they would get valuable information out of him. Fat chance of that. Information given under torture, and on Fox News, is notoriously unreliable.



Is it better that millions of innocent people get wiped out by a suitcase nuke, or that Japanese women put cats in their mouths? Skip that, that was a dumb question.

Incidentally, this is what your cat would do to you, if he were big enough. Never forget that.

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TWITTER



ECONOMICS AND POLITICS

Krugman's cat

I agree with Abu Hamza- up to a point

The time I punched JK Galbraith

Who was worse: Blair or Hitler?

In Defence of John Prescott

Prescott 2



CELEBRITY NEWS

Jennifer Lopez has been shot!

Nicholas Cage is a tit

A Rolex, though ugly, will pay for itself in quim

Colombian death squads dump Kate Moss

50 Cent almost too stupid to speak

Ooh, brain hurts

Nothing fishy about monster carp says Krugman

I'm so angreeee

Ben Affleck

The Magic of Snoop

Inane Dogg

Germaine Greer's gusset


MEANINGLESS HOAXES

Correspondence with the Ku Klux Klan

Correspondence with Boris Johnsons

Ministry of Defence

Thames Valley Police

Meatloaf

British Airways- I'll show those fucks

Bank

The Polite Society

Is this a library or a bordello?

Rumsfeld

Israeli Embassy

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Garry Bushell

Letter to Gunsmith (1)

Greenspan

Richard Dawkins


TEACHING ENGLISH

Your child is an illiterate cabbage

Like a trouser, yet not a trouser

Why is life so wretched?

Stopping Hitler at Munich

The British Council- at least it's not run by a drunk

Non-academic sub-adult clowning

You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear

No sane man cares about such things

Who, whom?

Your daughter is very beautiful, but unfortunately completely stupid

The Business English racket

Keith Richards' English level

The Dunderheads shall inherit the earth

Teaching English to cretins

This is a real pain in the arse

I hate teaching English


BRITAIN

I'm sick of this country and its stupid taps

Glue sniffers

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The British public are deeply stupid

The UK's most successful ethnic group

Violent Britain

The man on the Clapham omnibus is a cretin

How much do you give a ponce?

Reflections on the British drunk

This septic isle

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Do you want a punch in the mouth?

How many divisions has Eddie Izzard?

Most of the world’s problems still caused by Britain

This country's really gone to hell since we stopped burning papists

Many of my best friends are bishops

Britain's Unfunniest Comedian

Reading, Berkshire, is a dog hole

Please go away


COLOMBIA

Shut your cake hole, you lunatic

I don't care about human rights that much

Why I don't take drugs

Someone is getting mugged

I am a victim of crime

That which does not kill you almost kills you

I don't know how much more I can take

Colombian girl santas

The hippos of Pablo Escobar


VENEZUELA

Dancing on the deck of the Titanic

You toucha my pies, I shoota you head

The pros and cons of domestic violence

Life? Don't talk to me about life

The evil Castro cured my cough

Breast implants out of control

Venezuelan crude is heavy and sour, like the women in High Wycombe

One of those parties that got out of hand

Do you believe everything The Economist tells you?

Don King has lots of good ideas

Chavezfest (1)

Chavezfest (2)


BLOGGERS

The Instapundit: a master of the bore's craft

Pie attacks on Professor Krugman

Hooahs!

The Andrew Sullivan Hoax

Eminem, Bin Laden, Tim Blair, etc.

If you don't clear off, I'll set the dogs on you

Malkins and Hinderaker: not for an age, but for all time

Instapundit failing the boring man in a pub test

The fearless Huffington

Sourpuss Malkin

Book!


THE GREAT BIG WAR AGAINST TERROR

If you stick your dick in a bees' nest you'll get stung

I am opposed to the hacking off of heads

Iraq- it's all a matter of perspective

Top ten warmongers

Islamic Banking

Knob heads

Bush pursues terrorist beyond the grave

Another atrocity


NORTH KOREA

Kim Jong Il wouldn't do that- it's irrational

Addio Amore, Addio Razza

If London is still standing in 2020, I'll eat my hat

Kim Il Sung's birthday!

Billy Graham in North Korea

North Korea job offer

The time I saw a woman get savaged by a bear


SPORTS JOURNALISM

People who like football should be put in boxes and bulldozed into the sea

Please hit our fans with clubs

Baseball is idiotic

I love Brazilian Ultimate Fighting

World Cup diary


PALESTINE

Where to buy beer in Gaza

The time I worked as a film censor in the Gaza Strip

Someone threw a bomb in our garden

It is high time Mr Arafat made up his mind if he is going to live or die

Israel / Palestine- the problem of two men in one trousers

Israel's wall

Meet the Arafats


AUSTRALIA

Is it wrong to execute Australians?

Anzac day

Twisted gonads

Australians vs. camels

Off with the false whiskers

The Australian Broadcasting Corporation


LITERATURE

Your severed foot would look good on my coffee table

Condi 2008, a love poem

It doesn't seem to make sense

Fisking the poet Keats


STUDENT WORK

Gaza

Brazil

Venezuela

Italy

Hong Kong

When you sleep on the "cheap" bed, you will feel it is too bad



TRAVEL

Christ were those peasants ugly

Machete man asks me for money

Tips for visiting prisoners

Trip to the Orinoco


TODD MATHERS

Personal injury lawyer

President Ahmajinadad


MISC

Live-blogging the plane crash

Prison survival tips

Suicide statistics

Survey: Britons marginally less unpopular than the French

David Irving

Arab Americans

If you like rock music you must be stupid

Quality of life index

A pogrom of quails

Krugman in Bogota

People now idiots- TV to blame

Goldman Sachs makes billions shorting Goldman Sachs stock

Rum

The Amis brothers

Haiku on another wasted year


BARRY HUTTON'S POSTS

The illusion of plenty

Diets


KILLER FACTS!

Killer Fact! (Brazil)

Killer Fact! (Quality of life index)

Killer Fact! (Canada)

Killer Fact! (New York Times)

Killer Fact! (Paraguay)

Killer Fact! (Häagen-Dazs)

Killer Fact! (Napoleon)

Killer Fact! (Brixton)

Killer Fact! (Switzerland)

Killer Fact! (Pakistan)

Killer Fact! (Shenzhen)

Killer Fact! (Brazil 2)

Killer Fact! (Colombia)

Killer Fact! (France)

Killer Fact! (British National Party)

Killer Fact! (Brazil, World Cup)

Killer Fact! (Vietnam)

Killer Fact! (Shenzhen)

Killer Fact! (Ivory Coast)

Killer Fact! (Sweden)

Killer Fact! (Vegans)

Killer Fact! (Lenin, Trotsky, Stalin, Engels)

Killer Fact! (Casanova)

Killer Fact! (James Bond)

Killer Fact! (Iraq / foxhunting)

Killer Fact! (Drug abuse in Iran)

Killer Fact! (Murder rates)

Killer Fact! (Strangling)

Killer Fact! (Buglaries)

Killer Fact! (Switzerland 2)

Killer Fact! (Saddam Hussein / New York Times)

Killer Fact! (Evian)

Killer Fact! (Suicide bombers)

Killer Fact! (Bollywood)

Killer Fact! (Australian women)

Killer Fact! (Costa Rica)

Killer Fact! (Cocaine mark-ups)

Killer Fact! (Jesuits)

Killer Fact! (Iceland)

Killer Fact! (Nobel Prizes by nationality)

Killer Fact! (King Shaka of the Zulus)

Killer Fact! (North Korea)

Killer Fact! (Red Heads)

Killer Fact! (Death row)

Killer Fact! (Japan)

Killer Fact! (Thailand)

Killer Fact! (highest-grossing film in history)

Killer Fact! (Churchill's mother)

Killer Fact! (Fastest growing economies)

Killer Fact! (First English sentence)

Killer Fact! (Wodehouse, Raymond Chandler)

Killer Fact! (Swiss Civil War)

Killer Fact! (Alcohol consumption)

Killer Fact! (Anglo-French Wars)

Killer Fact! (Price of barrels)

Killer Fact! (Iraqi Jews)

Killer Fact! (Top ten warmongers)

Killer Fact! (Karl Marx' uncle)

Killer Fact! (India)

Killer Fact! (Yuletide murders)

Killer Fact! (Tories)

Killer Fact! (Frogs)

Killer Fact! (Romeo and Juliet)

Killer Fact! (New York Times / Saddam Hussein)

Killer Fact! (The Evil Castro)

(More Killer Facts and other things in the archives.)



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